A little bit wacko, a little bit wonko
by Noxbait
Summary: SG-1 never has a normal day. Set after Ark of Truth, a bit of teamy fun, a bit of D/V and J/S shippery. Just a random scene of everyone dealing with a uniquely stressful day in very different ways...


**Life for SG-1 has always been a little bit wacko, a little bit wonko...**

* * *

"Is."

"Isn't."

"Is."

"Isn't."

"Is."

"This must cease."

Sam's eyebrows shot up at Teal'c's no nonsense proclamation. She was ready to strangle both of them, but she was surprised that Teal'c had snapped first. She smiled at the twin expressions of disbelief that appeared on Jack and Daniel's faces. As if rehearsed, together they asked, "What?"

Teal'c leveled his most intimidating glare at them. "You will cease and desist from your argument."

"Argument?" Jack asked, "Who's arguing?"

Teal'c rose from his seat and walked purposefully away without another word.

Sam grinned as Jack and Daniel exchanged confused looks and started discussing why Teal'c was acting so annoyed. Sam closed her eyes and leaned back in her seat. If they couldn't figure it out, she certainly wasn't going to enlighten them. She was content to try to relax and not think too much; or let herself get sucked into a Jack/Daniel conversation. Heaven knew she'd been sucked into many, many such conversations over the years. She was taking the day off.

Apparently, so was Teal'c.

"What's got the big guy in such a huff?" Cam's voice interrupted her attempts to ignore her surroundings.

Sam simply raised her arm and pointed meaningfully at Jack and Daniel who were still squabbling. Cam dropped next to her, opening what must have been his third pack of gum. "Ah. What are they on about now?"

"Don't know. Am _not_going to ask. It was quiet here a few moments ago."

"Yeah, well, they've been at it for the past two hours. You're just lucky you've had some opportunities to get away from them." Cam leaned his own head back against the wall, "It's no wonder T has that look on his face."

"What look?" Jack asked suddenly.

Sam and Cam glanced over at the others. Both wore similar confused expressions. Daniel frowned and said, "You two do realize that we've been standing here this whole time while you've been talking about us, right?"

"Yeah, but you've been arguing the whole time." Cam commented.

"What look?" Jack repeated.

"His 'I need to shoot something' look."

Jack's eyebrows rose. "That look, eh? You sure it wasn't his 'I'm hungry' look? 'Cuz I've gotten those two mixed up before."

"No, no I'm pretty sure it was his 'need to shoot something look'." Cam rolled his eyes. He _knew_it was that look because it was exactly how he was feeling. Once Jackson and the General had arrived on the scene there had been no lack of heated and endless arguing. Cam had thought he'd escaped them, but when he'd turned the corner, he'd realized he'd walked right back into the crazy. Even as he contemplated, he heard it start up again as if there had been no interruption.

"I still say you're wrong." Jack said out of the blue.

"Jack!" Daniel's voice was full of frustration. "Exactly how many times have you watched it anyway?"

"More than you have."

"How would you know?"

Jack ignored him, "Besides, I've read the complete series."

"So have I."

"Well, then I don't understand your problem."

"_I_ don't have a problem! You're the one who had a problem."

"Did not."

"Did."

"Did not."

"Did."

"Oh for the love of all things holy!" Cam lost his cool.

Sam just hummed to herself.

"What?" They said simultaneously. This time they grinned at each other. Jack tugged at

Daniel's sleeve. "Come on."

Sam breathed a bit easier as their voices faded in the distance.

Cam sighed and said softly, "Thank God. I don't think I can take much more of this, Sam!"

"Enjoy it while you can. They'll be back."

* * *

"I think we're driving everyone wonko." Daniel said with a knowing smile.

"I can't help it if our conversations give other people headaches."

"Our conversations give _me_headaches."

Jack shook a finger at him, "Hey, you think _this_ side is any easier? All I ever get is whining. _Jack _this, _Jack_ that, _Jack can I touch...can I go? Why can't I touch, go..."  
_  
"Daniel no. Daniel stop." Daniel replied casually. "Kind of annoying, wouldn't you say?"

"I wouldn't have to say it so often if you'd ever just listen to me in the first place. Got any change?" Jack held out a hand expectantly.

"I listen to you." Daniel said, digging through his pockets. "It's hard not to."

"It's because you don't listen the first time." Jack countered, putting the coins in the vending machine. "Twix?"

"Fine. You know what I don't get? Why go in the first place?"

"Oh for crying out loud, Daniel! Just leave it will ya?" Jack headed down the hallway, handing Daniel half of the Twix. "Why is it so important to you?"

"I don't know...it just drives me wonko."

"Wacko."

"What?"

"What?"

"I said wonko, you said wacko." Daniel frowned.

Jack licked a bit of caramel off his finger. "You say tomato..."

"Don't go there."

"Besides, why shouldn't Dent want to go?"

"You know, Sam's never going to buy your memory loss excuse for why you forgot your anniversary if you keep bringing up things we were talking about months ago, Jack."

"Months ago? We've been talking about life, the universe, and everything all day."

"All day."

They stared at each other. Jack shrugged, "Ok, so maybe there's a good reason Teal'c and Mitchell are ticked with us."

"Ya think?"

"Hey, I can't help it if I'm bored."

"And worried."

"I'm not worried. What's there to be worried about anyway?"

Daniel just stared at him for a moment, then asked, "How long have you stayed in one place today?"

Jack took off down the hall again. "I haven't seen you sitting still, either."

"I'm keeping you company since no one else can put up with you."

"Oh, whatever. You just can't stand it when I'm right and you're wrong."

"Ha." Daniel shook his head, catching a fleeting glance of Teal'c as he turned abruptly and seemed to literally run in the opposite direction.

"What is taking so long?" Jack suddenly exclaimed. They abruptly stopped their forward progress.

Daniel smiled, "Babies take their own time, Jack."

"Yeah, yeah, well this one is seriously a procrastinator." Daniel just laughed and Jack glared at him. "Why are you so calm anyway?"

Daniel shrugged, "The doctors know what they're doing."

"Sure they do. I'm not worried about the doctors. They know what they're doing, but Cass doesn't. It's her first kid. She hasn't got any experience. I think you should be more worried." Jack started pacing again, continuing to glare accusingly.

"What good is it going to do Cassie if I'm wandering around, wringing my hands?" Daniel shrugged. "That's Jimmy's job. He's the new dad."

"I never knew you were so pragmatic, Daniel. How long's it been?"

"Not long enough. If we go back now, we're either going to get ourselves kicked out of the hospital when Sam logs a complaint with security, or else Teal'c's gonna knock our heads together."

"Let's get something to eat."

"We just had a Twix."

"Junk food." Jack waved his hand dismissively, "I'm talking real food. A sub."

"We just had the cafeteria special."

"I'm still hungry."

"No, you're not, you're worried. So how many appearances does Agrajag make in the series?" Daniel abruptly changed the subject, knowing things were only going to escalate. Jack desperately needed the distraction.

"The petunias."

"Good."

"Rabbit, fly, the old guy on the sofa." Jack continued pacing, "The newts, the oyster...that other guy that got shot when Arthur dodged the bullet...what was his name?"

"Mueller."

"That's it." Jack stared at him, "How do you know these things?"

"I have a good memory."

"Too good." Jack muttered.

"Which reminds me.."

"See what I mean?"

"We were supposed to pick up the balloons."

"And again I say we're not buying balloons till we know which variety of child she brings forth. It's not my fault that kid didn't want to pose for the ultrasound picture." He looked at his watch again, "Shouldn't this be over?"

"Jack! Sam _told _us not to come up until she called..." Daniel broke off as a very toned and familiar pair of long legs appeared in view. The toned legs went up quite a long way before they met up with a hot pink mini skirt. Daniel had a hard time forcing his eyes to move any further up. Peripherally, he was aware that she was wearing tall black boots, but all he could see above the waist was balloons. Pink, blue, purple, red, white, and blue. Balloons of every shape and size. Trying (mostly without success) to keep his gaze on the balloons, Daniel sucked in a hasty breath.

Jack watched Daniel's reaction with some amusement, then shook his head, "Vala, what are you doing?"

"General O'Neill?" Vala's voice came from somewhere behind the balloons. "Oh, good! Is my Daniel with you?"

Jack laughed, "_Your _Daniel is here. He's just slightly speechless, it seems."

Daniel shook himself out of his daze and glared at Jack.

"Could one of you..." she said somewhat desperately.

Daniel saw a couple balloons start to float to the ceiling. They both stepped forward and attempted to grab some of the balloons before they all floated away through the hallway. After a few seconds of confusion and complicated unraveling of balloon strings, Jack had a handful of balloons and Daniel had a handful of balloons and another handful of Vala. She smelled fantastic and looked even better without the balloons enveloping her. Daniel was completely and utterly powerless to fend her off as she wrapped her arms around him and gave him a not totally unexpected kiss.

"Vala." He hissed after what he feared had been a long moment of kissing. He kind of lost track of time. "Stop."

"Why, darling?" She frowned at him, face inches from his. "I thought we were past all of that cloak and daggery stuff."

"Yes, well, I'm still not exactly comfortable with this in the middle of a public hallway."

She tilted her head, then glanced left and right. "It's not public, Daniel. There's no one here."

Daniel frowned and looked quickly around. Jack had disappeared along with half of the balloons. Daniel looked back at Vala and barely had time to catch his breath before she was on him again, pressing him against the wall. At some indeterminate point, all the balloons were released as his concentration become completely focused elsewhere. The balloons floated aimlessly down the (mostly) deserted hallway...

* * *

"I thought you weren't going to buy balloons until we know if she's had a boy or girl!" Sam exclaimed, shocked eyes staring at the twenty or so balloons that Jack was carrying toward her. He was wearing a grin and looked more relaxed than he had all day. She frowned, looking around. Apparently he'd lost Daniel somewhere along the way.

"Oh, I'm not the one who bought them." Jack shook his head, glaring briefly at the balloons which he immediately passed to a very unamused Teal'c.

"Daniel?"

"Nope." Jack grinned again, sitting down across from Sam.

"Who? And where_ is _Daniel?"

"Oh, last I saw he was working his way toward another charge of public indecency with Vala back in the hallway."

Sam grinned, "Vala's here?"

He pointed at the balloons.

"I thought she and Carolyn were going to be out shopping till we called them."

"Clearly Vala was eager."

"I don't blame her. I can't wait to hold the baby!" Sam grinned.

"Somehow I don't think that's exactly why Vala was so eager, judging by the way she pounced on Daniel..." Jack trailed off. "We heard anything yet?"

"Jimmy poked his head out a bit ago and said it might not be too much longer. Cassie's doing great and she says hi."

"Good. I can't take much more of this." Jack groaned, rubbing his hands over his face. He couldn't remember even being this on edge when Sara was in labor for Charlie. It was worse, much worse, he decided when you were waiting on your surrogate child to deliver their own kid. "She's too young to have a baby."

Sam laughed, "Jack, she's 23 years old."

"She was just twelve last time I checked."

Smiling ruefully, Sam nodded. "Time has gone by so fast." She sighed, "Janet would be so thrilled."

"She'd be a worse wreck than I am." Jack said.

"Probably."

"Where'd Mitchell get to?" He asked.

"He went to the gift shop."

"What's he buying? Please not balloons."

"No, he needed gum."

"He's been through three packs already."

"I know. I think we're all a bit nervous."

Jack shook his head, "Not Daniel. He's cool as a cucumber. Of course, now he's got other things on his mind." He rolled his eyes, then pointed at Teal'c. "You look pretty calm there, too."

Instead of answering, Teal'c merely stood up, handed the balloons over and stalked away down the hall. Jack looked at Sam in surprise. "What was that?"

Sam snickered, "You may think you're nervous, sir, but I'd say Teal'c is much, much more nervous than any of us."

"Why doesn't he just Kel'no'reem or something?"

"He said he was too agitated."

"Oh boy. Too agitated to meditate. All for a baby. The man has stared down bad guys of every sort and a baby is messing with his mind." Jack shook his head. "I never would have thought it."

"Cassie is really important to him." Sam shifted in her seat. The waiting room had been mostly deserted all day, so they'd been able to spread out and be reasonably comfortable. Even so, she'd been sitting for a long time. She stretched out her legs in front of her and grinned at the sight of Jack sitting there with a slew of balloons.

"What?" He narrowed his eyes.

"You're cute." She gave him a silly grin.

His eyebrows shot up. "_Cute_? Cute, Colonel? Generals of the United States Air Force are not _cute_."

"Whatever." She waved a hand, then rubbed her very large belly. "I think you have clearly gone beyond the point where you need to call me Colonel, dear."

He snorted. "Fine, but let's keep the _cute _stuff quiet. You should put your legs up."

"I had them up for awhile. I'm fine. I can't wait till this little one comes."

"Oh, please. One at a time. Don't even talk like that, Carter. I can't take it." He held up a hand. "I've still got at least a few more weeks till I have to worry about O'Neill junior. I gotta survive this first."

Sam smiled indulgently at him. "You better get used to this sort of thing, Jack. If they aren't right now, it won't be long till Daniel and Vala start making babies."

Jack groaned, and let his head hit the wall behind him. "Stop! Just stop right there. I do _not _need to think about that."

Sam just laughed, then sat up as a nurse walked into the room.

"Hi." The nurse smiled, "Are you the O'Neill's?"

"We are." They answered in unison. Jack jumped to his feet.

"Well, the proud parents would like you to come down and meet their sweetie." She grinned.

"Pink or blue?" was the first thing Jack thought to ask.

The nurse smiled, "Blue."

Jack grinned and reached down to help Sam struggle to her feet. They hurried down the hall, all the balloons in tow. Stepping into Cassie's room, the first thing they saw was one completely, utterly happy and very peaceful Jaffa sitting in an armchair with a tiny blue bundle in his big arms. Obviously someone had been hovering near the room at the pivotal moment. Jack wasn't jealous, he was just glad Teal'c was finally relaxed.

Sam hurried to Cassie's side and gave her a big hug while Jack congratulated Jimmy. Both looked tired but happy. Depositing the balloons in a corner, Jack traded with Sam and gave Cassie a hug while Sam gave Jimmy a quick hug, then hurried as quickly as her condition would allow over to Teal'c's side.

"Great job, Cassie." Jack smiled.

"Mission accomplished, sir." She grinned. "One bouncing baby boy, just for you."

"And what is this young recruit named?"

"James Jackson Murray Simmons." She winked, "We thought it covered all the bases quite nicely."

"Nicely." Jack grinned, giving her a kiss before wandering over to see J.J., as he had already nicknamed the kid in his head.

Apparently Sam had sway even over a former First Prime because she had stolen the blue bundle away without too much difficulty. Jack joined Teal'c in peering at the tiny, sleeping baby in her arms. Even as he smiled at the little boy, he realized someone should be letting other people know.

"We should probably let everyone else know..."

"I already texted Daniel and Cam." Cassie called from her bed, waving her smartphone. "I just posted to Facebook too so everyone at the SGC will know."

Jack shook his head at how quickly news travelled these days. He looked back at the baby just before there was a commotion in the hall, followed by the entrance of two rather disheveled members of SG-1. Jack couldn't help but wonder what had happened to the balloons. Daniel and Vala only had about three apiece. Vala was bouncing up and down, trying her hardest to control her excitement and not squeal. She waved at Cassie, then let go of the balloons and ran over to Sam's side. Daniel rolled his eyes at Jack, then turned beet red when Jack raised his eyebrow at him knowingly. He quickly turned to Cassie and Jimmy to offer his congratulations.

It wasn't too much longer until Cam and Carolyn arrived and everyone was gathered around the new family, oohing and ahhing over the littlest unofficial member of SG-1. It was about a half an hour later when Sam realized that there was going to be just a little bit more excitement in the day. Vala had J.J. and was currently batting her eyes at Daniel and thoroughly embarrassing him in front of everyone. Sam smiled at her wonderful family and felt only one regret. That the happiness and stress free environment was going to be destroyed in a moment. It had been a long day already, and the boys had all been more nervous than she had ever expected them to be. She felt another contraction and put her hand to her belly. Trying not to laugh at the absurdity of the situation, Sam tried to think of a way to tactfully inform the group that another member of SG-1 was about to make their arrival. She wasn't sure if Teal'c and Jack were going to survive this. Her eyes caught Jack's. He grinned at her, then his expression changed as she raised her eyebrow at him. He frowned as she nodded slowly and pointed at her belly.

He paled dramatically and shook his head.

She grinned and nodded slowly.

"Oh, for crying out loud!"

* * *

**I have NO idea where this came from! :D I was happily working on my novel for nanowrimo and all of a sudden this interrupted me and wrote itself. It went in totally different directions from where I had originally intended. Hope you enjoyed! **


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